**MAY 27 -- SURRENDER TO WIN (Family Readings)

SHARING EXPERIENCE, STRENGTH & HOPE

Nar-Anon (for the loved ones of addicts) Daily Reader 

 SURRENDER TO WIN                                      May 27

When I first came to the rooms of Nar-Anon, I could not understand or even grasp the idea of “surrender to win.” I believed to surrender would mean I had failed, so I never gave up on anyone or anything. No matter how exhausted I was, I persisted. Living with an addicted husband taught me that if anything ever needed to be fixed or repaired, I had to do it.

One day when I arrived home from a long day at work, I found that my toilet had overflowed all the way into my bedroom. I immediately went to work. After three hours, the toilet was fixed and the rooms were cleaned. Filthy and exhausted, I washed up. After dinner, I went to start the dishwasher but it would not work. I brought out the schematic and started to tear it apart to fix it. Every time I turned the dishwasher on, a fuse blew. Four fuses later, I had a moment of clarity – surrender, let go and let God.

That day, a new ritual began in my household. I now look forward to that special time when my son and I do the dishes together. Today, I am grateful for the broken dishwasher and more grateful for the understanding that surrender is the path to serenity.

Thought for Today: I can choose how I react to the happenings of this day. I can look at them as problems or opportunities.

“The gift of opportunity does not always come with a beautiful wrapping.” ~ Anonymous

PEACE OF MIND                                               May 26

One of the first things that drew my attention when I came into the rooms of Nar-Anon was that the members who seemed to have the most serenity shared a lot about letting go. Even though there might be chaos all around them, they still talked about letting go and trusting in a Higher Power to maintain sanity and peace of mind.

I am learning that I have to let go of things as well as people. For instance, I have no control over the public transit train that I take to work. I have no control over whether the train gets me to work on time, just as I know I have no control over the addict in my life. A Nar-Anon member once said, “We have to let go of the elephants while the ants march up our legs.”

Is it possible that there is a better plan for my life if I am willing to surrender?

Thought for Today: I have noticed that when I do allow myself to Let Go and Let God, there is peace and serenity. The outcome, in most cases, turns out much better when I let my Higher Power have control.

“We have found that the working of these steps will bring the solution to practically any problem.” ~ Nar-Anon Blue Booklet

MATURITY                                                        May 25

When faced with the absurd behavior and the resulting negative consequences of addiction, I still thought I could respond, in a mature way, with reason and dignity. You’ve gotta' be kidding!

At first, I found that I would rather retaliate for the hurt and pain by getting even. I took great pleasure in telling my war stories to anyone who would listen, even strangers.

I could never purge my hurts with enough self-pity. Other people stopped being interested. Even the police were not interested. They are interested in crime and in evidence, not in the blues. All I had was my own self-destructive behavior and it bored other people.

As I grew in Nar-Anon, I discovered the maturity I wanted through the shared experiences of others who are also affected by addiction. I am maturing through the practice of the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. I am maturing by understanding such concepts as co-dependence, detachment, enabling, and denial, in myself and in the addict. I am maturing by learning about the nature of the illness of addiction, its progress and pitfalls, and most recently, recovery. I also mature by learning the nature of my own illness. I am growing more mature. I am recovering.

Thought for Today: There is a peace in knowing what I can and cannot do to influence outcomes. I can still be hurt and disappointed, but I do not have to react in the same old immature ways.

“Maturity doesn't come with age - it begins with the acceptance of responsibility.” ~ Edwin Louis Cole

THE LIES THAT BLIND                                  May 24

Falling in love with an addict was a blinding experience. Our life together never lacked drama, though it did eventually lack all else. We went through car accidents and a fire that destroyed everything I owned and everything he had brought to this country. He was arrested and jailed. Still, I felt fiercely loyal.

He had asked me to marry him within three weeks of our meeting. I attributed his hurry to his having "found the right one," and not wanting to lose a minute together. He pressed me incessantly to have a child. I did not understand at the time that this was his way of keeping me tied to him. This impetuous decision-making was a departure from my normally cautious nature and a sign that my own disease was active. As I allowed myself to become more dependent on him, I was getting sicker and sicker. I was not able to see that I was becoming obsessed with my husband. He became less and less dependable and I became more and more focused on how to help him so he could be more dependable for me. I was still in denial about my motives, so I told myself things such as, "If I were the one who had a terrible disease, I would want him to be there for me. How can I offer him less than that?"

I came to Nar-Anon when I was nine months pregnant, desperately in need of support, and finally convinced that I could not survive my life's insanity without help. The minute people started sharing, I felt as though I had come home. My crazy experiences were theirs. Nothing I said seemed to shock them as it had my friends, and they had a peace and acceptance in them that I wanted.

Thought for Today: I will listen to my own dreams and not throw myself into the dreams of others. I will grow stronger as I follow my Higher Power’s will, as She does not give me burdens I am not strong enough to bear.

“A lie has speed, but truth has endurance.” ~ Edgar J. Mohn



LEARNING TO DETACH                              May 23

How can I find serenity and peace in my life when my son is killing himself with drugs and his life is a mess? This was the first question I asked when I started attending Nar-Anon meetings. I am a good mother and good mothers care about and nurture their children. The concept of detachment was beyond my comprehension.

I have since learned that my concept of being a good mother actually enabled my son to continue using drugs. I had to realize that an addict does not think or respond to kindness as non-using people do. Once I realized that my attempts to help my son were only making the situation worse, I knew I needed to learn to detach.

For me detachment meant emotionally disconnecting from the addiction so I could deal with my son in a rational way. When I was attached to the addiction, my mood depended on how my son was doing. If he was doing well, I was happy. If he was high, I was depressed. If he stole my possessions, I was in despair. If he fell into a pit, I was at the bottom to protect him. I had an emotional investment in how my son was performing which gave his addiction control over me.

When I learned to detach, I cut the cord that connected us. Now when the addict relapses, I am able to stand and not end up at the bottom with him. I am at the top and ready to help when he is ready to receive it, being fully aware that it is much easier for the addiction to pull me in than for me to pull my son out.

Thought for Today: Detachment does not mean that I do not care; it means I allow myself emotional health so that when the addict is ready for help, I am ready to give it.

“Today I will apply the concept of detachment, to the best of my ability, in my relationships. If I can’t let go completely, I’ll try to “hang on loose.” ~ Melody Beattie

MISTAKEN SENSE OF RESPONSIBILITY       May 22

If I am willing to stand aside and let God's will be done, I free myself from personal anxiety and a mistaken sense of responsibility. One of the most commonly asked questions, when we find out about our loved one’s addiction, is “Why?” Many times we really mean, “Why me?” We feel that the addict is punishing us for something. Over time, it becomes apparent that the “Why” is irrelevant. After all, no addict I have ever heard of makes a conscious decision to become an addict. So really, how important is it to know why? This whole exercise is merely a desperate attempt to find some logic in an illogical situation.

So what is important? For me, it is important to understand and accept the three Cs. I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, and I can’t cure it. For me, it is important to love and let it be. Letting go means I cannot do it for you; you are emotionally toxic for me. I will not allow your lifestyle into my home. It also means we can work this out together in our own programs. Sometimes it can be more compassionate for them and for us to ask them to leave.

I have to remember that sometimes it takes all the addict’s focus to stay clean, and that staying clean does not necessarily mean they recover from their unhealthy behavior. This is a reality that though difficult, I must learn to accept. This is a simple program, but it is not easy.

Thought for Today: Accepting responsibility for what I can change is a growth experience for the addict and me.

“Exaggeration is truth that has lost its temper.” ~ Kahlil Gibran



CRISIS                                                          May 21

There is a saying, in German, "denn wir haben eine Krise der Verzweiflung erreicht” - for we have reached a crisis of desperation. When I read this the other day, I thought of my life before I started attending Nar-Anon. The desperation that had consumed my being was a crisis. I wanted to change the addict’s destructive behavior and tried every trick in the book - anger, belittlement, and manipulation. None of them worked.

When I would look for the addict on the streets and did find her, I would be sick. When I thought about her, I would be sick. For the longest time, I was always feeling a crisis of desperation. Today, while I still long for the addict's healing, I have come to understand that the crisis that I was feeling was of my own doing. I was letting my thoughts of fear and doubt consume me.

When I see the addict today, I still ache for her healing and I do urge her, as Nar-Anon teaches me, to get some help. On the other hand, I realize that my urging her will not make her change. For me, this is one of the differences between then and now.

Now, I believe that I never cease requiring help to prevent my self-destruction. Nar-Anon is the source of that help. It has brought me back to the realization that I need to turn all of this over to my Higher Power.

I find myself asking for my Higher Power’s help more often now, in all aspects of my life. I need guidance in this trial that I am facing. In the past, I envied the families of addicts who were seeking help and getting better. Today I do not envy them. Today I realize that although the addict is getting better, there are different problems they may face - a different crisis of desperation.

Thought for Today: I believe that, at the end of the day, I will be a better person because of my experiences. True wisdom comes from the overcoming of suffering and pain. All true wisdom is therefore touched with sadness.

“Practicing silence means making a commitment to take a certain amount of time to simply be.” ~ Deepak Chopra



GRATITUDE                                                      May 20

Before I was in recovery, I had days when I was miserable because things did not go as I planned or wanted. In the Nar-Anon program, I learned that I have tools that help me cope with life’s disappointments. I still have days where I am unhappy and disappointed in events and situations that do not unfold as I desired, but I have learned that life is neither all good nor all bad. Even when I think times are bad, I can choose to take care of myself with the help of my Higher Power by focusing on the positive and being grateful.

I was recently confronted with the loss of a loved one. I was angry, hurt and full of resentment. I felt because I was working what I believed to be a good program and asking my Higher Power for direction, that only good things would happen and I would be happy. When I shared my feelings at my Nar-Anon meeting, my group suggested that I might not be using the steps and practicing the program’s principles, which could help me through this loss. One member suggested that I try using gratitude. By actively practicing gratitude, I could change my attitude towards the event. It is my choice. Do I want to be a victim of circumstances by focusing and obsessing about things that do not go my way, or do I want to focus on the good things happening in my life and be thankful for the things I have?

Thought for Today: When I look at the word gratitude, I see attitude. When things are difficult, I can acknowledge the good and be grateful. I can change my focus and thinking to promote a good attitude, which is a step in the right direction.

“Practicing gratitude will help us more fully appreciate what has been offered us. Being grateful influences our attitude; it softens our harsh exterior and takes the threat out of most situations.” ~ Each Day a New Beginning - Daily Meditations for Women

NO MORE RESCUES                                         May 19

My son is an addict and I loved him by rescuing him. Each time I rescued him, I believed that this was the rescue that would work, and he would see the error of his ways and stop using. Instead, I kept rescuing and my son kept using. After years of this cycle, I found Nar-Anon. Taking the focus off the addict and putting the focus on me made no sense to me when I first started to attend Nar-Anon meetings. How would not helping the addict help the addict?

Members of my Nar-Anon meeting shared their experiences, wisdom, strengths, and hope. I learned from them the difference between enabling and helping. I learned how protecting someone from the consequences of their actions was not only disrespectful, but by doing so, I was standing in the way of their recovery. This was not my job and my behavior was harmful. I needed to get out of the way and let things happen, despite my fears. I had to learn to trust something greater than myself. I had to learn to trust that by letting go of my son, serenity was available to me.

The slogan “Let Go and Let God” comforts me in my recovery, and reminds me that my son has a Higher Power, and it is not me.

Thought for Today: I will remember that I am not in control. I will trust in a Power greater than myself. I will release my addicted loved one and all the other problems that I cannot solve to my Higher Power. Today I know that is the best thing I can do.

“Stop trying so hard to control things. It is not our job to control people, outcomes, circumstances, life. Maybe in the past we couldn’t trust and let things happen. But we can now. The way life is unfolding is good. Let it unfold.” ~ Melody Beattie